Where i’ve been

Whew! I feel like i haven’t had a solid moment to sit and write on here abou what’s been going on, much less to talk about anything substantial. The near future isn’t looking all too auspicious either, but maybe i can queue up some posts for while i’m abroad. Anyway, what have i been up to lately?

First off, i’ve been taking care of all the loose ends at school. I had to meet with a few people and do a bunch of forms, but i am finally readmitted for the fall! An i registered for classes as well, which was nice. A few people told to me take a smaller than usual courseload, so i’m anxious to see how that turns out. I’ve always taken 5 courses, but as my therapist pointed out, that didn’t entirely work out for me and now is the time to change, not to go back to any old ways. So four classes it is: philosophy, spanish, personality theories and abnormal psych. I’m so excited! I haven’t been a full time student in a long time so i’m nervous about that, buy also quite excited. I really love school and am eager for the chance to really settle in here.

Also on the college front, i got my apartment! It’s a one bedroom that, in a rather sudden change of events, i have all to myself. I’m really looking forward to having my own place and not having to worry about getting along or coordinating with roomies. Of course i’m nervous, but i feel like i’m in a good enough place, and that this will be much less stressful for me. I already have gotten such cute things for my room and the bathroom! So that’s all starting to come together too.

Things have been coming together so nicely lately, and i am trying to remind myself that this is all a result of being healthy and really committing to recovery. I’m on martha’s vineyard this weekend with two friends, and know it wouldn’t have been nearly as enjoyable if i were really struggling. The freedom to eat what i want extends far beyond meal times. I can’t wait to share some of the delicious food i’ve had here too!

This upcoming week is going to be busy busy busy. I have a few appointments, am volunteering at Bible camp at my church, and working at whole foods of course! It’s hard to believe but a week from wednesday i’ll be on my way to copenhagan with my dad for our cruise! Like with everything else, i’m nervous and excited to go. But i know that new challenges and opportunities are my chances to grow and change.

I just finished Donald Miller’s book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and it totally inspired me and helped put recovery into perspective. It’s a really great book and a quick read, i highly recommend it. It talks all about our lives as stories, and how to write better ones, more epic ones. I know that i have ambitions, and those are what give my life meaning. I know that all that i’ve been through has made me who i am, which has made me happier and more grateful and probably a better person. When i go back to school, i want to join some service groups and experience more meaningful self-sacrifice in a way, in that i’m giving myself to benefit others. I’m sure it’ll help make everything better than it already feels, and i’m already so happy with how things have been coming together and all that God is doing in my life. I hope that as i continue to get better and more able to give to others, i can see what He uses me to do in the lives of people i know and meet.

Anyway, i’m headed off to the beach now before heading home tonight and back to a hectic week. Hopefully i’ll be able to embrace challenges better this week, and with the new perspective i’ve acquired that sees challenge as a good thing, something that leads to growth and better things. Like i mentioned a few posts ago, it’s necessary to pause in the pursuit of happiness and just be happy, which is exactly where i find myself today. Good friends, good weather, a good book (a memoir Nicholas Sparks wrote!) and far more blessings than i could have ever expected!

paying it forward

i’ve had an amazing day, and it’s only 1:30 PM. that tends to be how sundays go, as my favorite day of the week. i don’t know if i’m mentioned on here or not, but sunday mornings i volunteer at my church in this ministry called “SHINE,” which helps teach the gospel to kids with special needs. i’ve never done anything like it before, but it’s already such an incredible experience for me, three weeks in. the group is incorporated with a K-2 class, so there’s a lot of diversity. it’s a wonderful opportunity for the kids to get to know their peers with special needs, and also some sign language, and obviously all learn about God together! it’s so sweet hearing the kids talk about Jesus, and helping each other out.

the girl i work with is 11 and we’ll call her Z. anyway, she’s nonverbal, but she’s such a sweetheart. today, for the first time, we did the sign we made up for my name, and it absolutely melted my heart to know she’s starting to know me and accept me into her life. she does this little thing with her mom where she touches her eyes, nose, mouth, ears, and it always makes her smile. today, she did that with me for the first time! it seems like such a small thing, but it made all the difference in the world to me to know she felt comfortable around me and that i could make her smile. when she was frustrated or upset, she’d even grab my hand too. it’s little tiny things, but it’s so incredible to know that i am welcome in her life, and that i can help her. it really touches in on so many things that matter to me, my hopes and aspirations, as well as my deep rooted anxieties about my future. she helped me see that my dreams are not so out of reach and unrealistic, that the more i try, the more i will see good things come back into my life. and to think- i was so hesitant about doing this because i thought i wouldn’t be any good at it and wouldn’t be able to interact with the kids! i’m SO glad i had the courage to pursue this opportunity, and am loving it more and more each week.

we do an R for rachel

i’ve always had a passion for service and helping others. my care taking nature pops up whenever it gets a chance. i’m finally using that compassion and concern for the wellbeing of others for good, rather than as something that hurts me. i’ve always been one to put others first, something that’s been quite detrimental at times. volunteering with SHINE and Z is helping me see that i really can help others and have it reward me at the same time. isn’t that the most incredible thing about service? when you give to others, you get back ten fold. people ask me what i want to do with myself, and the question tends to scare me, but i know with certainty that it has to involve helping others, making others happy, and children. i’ve felt that way for a long time. it’s a bit of a pay it forward mentality, i suppose. the idea that i can (and need to) pay forward the good things that have happened to me. there’s a phrase from a hymn that really defines my life:

because i have been given much, i too must give. 

i know that i am incredibly lucky in so many areas of my life, yet the one that sticks out most to me is with my health and body. when i was little, i had life saving heart surgery. i’ve battled an eating disorder since i was 11 years old, but there’s a catch with that: i am the cure. i have always been the cure. and i will get better. there are so many kids out there with diseases that they’d give anything to have a cure from, and it breaks my heart. at times, i feel so bad that i stay stick, when i have the power to stop it and ensure that i have a future. millions of kids aren’t so lucky, but still have so much courage to fight and dare to dream of the days when they’re recovered. i know what it’s like to be in a hospital for a long time, and to have staff there who make you smile and have fun and for at least a little while, help you forget that you’re sick and not really living your life. i dream of doing that same thing one day with my life. i did for awhile at Vanderbilt volunteer in their children’s hospital, and it was also a really great experience for me. i cherish any opportunity i have to use my body for good, to see that it’s what i can do that matters infinitely more than how i look. i’ve been lucky, having cures for my problems, having people who have cared and made the process that much better. i am determined to pay that kindness and hope forward, to help kids who would give the world to see things change. i’d give the world to give those kids the healthy future that i’m getting closer to with each passing day.

it’s so wonderful to feel like i’m really embracing the idea of being alive, of having dreams and fighting for them. it’s incredible to see life giving back to me too, as i give it what i can. i feel like each day i want things more, and see that maybe my life matters after all. it’s scary being at home, not having any friends at the university i attend, having spent so much of my life sick and hiding and making myself powerless. there’s a quote that i absolutely love that really summarizes what i’ve been learning and accepting lately:

it has taken me time to realize that the true measure of success is the extent to which we embrace life. the extent to which we use our lives, not forfeit them.

recovery is all about doing just that. it’s about redefining success and beauty and what it means to be me. it’s about taking each day for what it is, not living in or running from the past, not about fearing the future and all the ambiguity of life on earth. i have a huge fear of failure, but as long as i’m trying, it will work out. i have a God above who loves me and has incredible plans for me, plans that are changing my life every day and bringing in so many moments that leave me changed for the better. i have a huge network of people who care deeply about me and are willing to help me see all my dreams come true. and i am, against all prior beliefs, a powerful person myself. i can make my life matter, i can do things that i feel proud of, i can have the meaning and sense of fulfillment i’ve so desperately wanted for years.

the pledge from the special olympics... so perfect!

it’s incredible to really see this and start to believe it. and today, i can’t help but sit back in awe at how much of it i owe to an eleven year old girl, who held my hand when she was scared, and made an R when she was happy.

have you ever had a volunteer job that really touched your life?
do you like or try to embody the “pay it forward” mentality?

sometimes confessions

Sometimes I want to order an ice cream sundae, but I’m usually too scared to. I want hot fudge or a brownie but don’t want to deal with people’s snarky comments. I also don’t want to deal with the potential guilt of the indulgence. But dang it, sometimes I’m just not satisfied with my plain old cup of frozen yogurt (I’ll be real, I’m normally too scared to get full fat ice cream) and want that gooey hot fudge goodness.

Sometimes I don’t want to deal with bread. So I leave them out of my meal (like breakfast today) or I eat all the fixin’s separate. Like tonight I had an “Elvis” sandwich sans bread- veg bacon, PB and a banana. And I think I probably enjoyed it more than if I’d thrown it between some bread

apple with cinnamon sugar-ed up cottage cheese

Sometimes I just want to have a pity party, give in to my emotions, and not even try to be rational. I just want to cry a bit and curl up with my stuffed bunny, who’s been there for the past 17 years of my life, or my teddy bear max, who i’ve had since i was born. Back in the fall when I was having a really hard time, my mom mailed him to me so I could have a little bit of home going through Hell with me 🙂

my bear max, friends fo life!

Sometimes I think I must be doing this whole blog thing wrong, because I see all these people’s blogs with tons of comments and wonder if I’m really as dull as I think I am. and then I remember that I do this for me, and I’ll make connections eventually. Blogging isn’t a popularity contest, is it? Plus it’s kinda like my online journal…and I don’t believe I can journal incorrectly, as it is my life. I do wish I could make more connections on here (and to all the people I have connected with- you’re awesome! Thanks for all the support!)

Sometimes I nibble on my food while grocery shopping, or drink my whole diet coke before sending it through the register. A thirsty girl needs her DC!

cedarline burrito and grapes...prime targets for nibblin!

Sometimes I watch TV marathons all day. Hello Kardashians and food network, you are SO addicting!

Sometimes I forget that it’s all gonna work out and hate myself for not sticking to “the plan”. I never anticipated taking time off from school, never thought I’d have to be hospitalized for my eating disorder, never though I’d transfer schools or be a part time student in the meanwhile. Days like today really test me, and I get so frustrated because I don’t know when I’ll graduate or from where. Because I just don’t have all the answers… I don’t feel like I have any. It’s easy to forget that God has a plan, I have a purpose, and someday I’ll understand how this is all working out for me. God is so great in that way.

Sometimes, you just gotta eat your peanut butter with a spoon. It’s just the best. Especially as a bedtime snack

Sometimes I wish my family were more religious. It’s hard for me to be a Christian and not them. It’s hard when my mom Wants to help me but doesn’t know what to say, when God’s truth would be perfect. I wish we went to church together or read the Bible together. I’m glad she accepts it now, which took years. I just wish my whole family knew Christ like I do. The family that prays together….

Sometimes I think I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I have amazing friends, a loving family and adoring heavenly father. No matter where I end up academically I’ll he receiving an incredible private education. I have my own car, more shoes and clothes than most. A roof over my head, a summer house, and an apartment for school. I even have a job! I have everything I could ever dream of (and a healthy body, even if I dislike how it looks). And despite all the other sometimes, I have learned:

EVERY day is a great day to be alive. And I want more life, I want to turn my sometimes moments of holding myself back into moments of fearlessness. I want to share my blessings and my faith, and trust in the Lord, and know that no matter what I will be okay. If I eat hot fudge or a slice of bread, if I transfer, if I don’t, if it takes me 20 years to graduate… I’ll survive. And I’m glad that’s an all-the-time fact 🙂

do you have any “sometimes” that you’d like to change?