“there is only one sin, only one. and that is theft. every other sin is a variation of theft”

I’m rereading The Kite Runner for one of my classes, and this quote/idea particularly struck me:

When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife’s right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness.

As I read, I had to think of how true and striking these words are, how powerful. For those of you who’ve read the book, I’m sure you remember this part, and for those of you who haven’t, I highly suggest picking up a copy. You won’t regret it.

A lot of the times when I feel like I’ve been wronged, it comes from a sense of loss, of losing what I had, or losing what could have been. It’s not always people who are to blame, and sometimes it’s even harder that way. I don’t like to blame God, to be angry with Him, to question His ways, to question why He takes away (forgetting how generously He gives). The difference with God is that it’s all His for the taking. The good Lord gives and he taketh away, as the old saying goes.

I got to thinking that maybe this is why theft is such a sin. Because this world isn’t really our own, because it all belongs to God. We belong to Him, and that’s why we have to respect one another.

When we think of human rights violations, they are variations on the theme of theft. Lives are stolen. Families are broken and pieces are stolen. Peace of mind is stolen. When you rape someone, you steal their sense of trust. You steal their comfort in their body. You steal their self-respect. You steal their sense of having control or power, even over their own self. You steal their dignity. When you enslave someone, you steal their freedom. You steal their humanity. You steal their agency.  You steal their identity. You steal their self-respect as well. When you stereotype or discriminate against someone, you steal their unique identity, you chip away at their humanity. You have robbed them of their equality, by labeling them as “other,” with the often understood implication of “lesser.”

It is the variations upon theft that steal intangible things from people that are the worst, the most unjust, the hardest to repair. Over my spring break, I went on a service trip to New Orleans, and we focused much of our discussion on the idea of restorative justice, which challenges me greatly. I look at these crimes, and I search for possible, meaningful, sources of restoration. My gut feeling is that nothing could make them better, because nothing can bring back what was taken.

You cannot un-rape or un-murder someone. You cannot bring back life once you have taken it away. You cannot give back lost time. You cannot easily rebuild a sense of trust that has been destroyed or damaged, it will always be tainted.  It doesn’t always have to be a big thing, but the little sins are thefts in their own ways, and I think that it’s important to pause and think before we speak or act, lest we unintentionally rob someone of what they deserve, and then face a situation with damage we cannot repair. Once things are broken, they’re never exactly the same after, no matter how well they appear to be put back together. Brokenness transforms us all.

I’ve been learning to see the world in a different way lately, which has in turn led me to try to refocus on God for direction. Four years in college (give or take), and I feel more lost than when I began. I also feel far more ignorant. There is so much to know in this world, and so little time to learn it. But there is also so much history that I am blind to, that I have never been taught (as intentional as I’m sure that was). But I cherish my right to the truth, to knowledge, and I know that there are people around the world who wish their truth were heard. Ignorance terrifies me, embarrasses me. I want to know what I do not. I want to seek truth and stories and knowledge. I want to keep learning. .

I can think of only one source of restoration, and that’s God, and in that, I can even feel a sense that justice still exists. I am grateful for where my brokenness has brought me, where my losses have turned to gains (both literally and metaphorically). I am not the same as I was before, but I am so happy with the person that I am now. I thank God each day for all He has given me, after everything that had been taken away.

I would love to hear other people’s reactions to this quote, thoughts about it, etc! Please comment and share with me!

“Desiderata”

i stumbled upon this poem today and have read it over and over, finding it so strikingly beautiful and true. while these are not my words, i feel the need to share them all and let y’all form your thoughts about them. i think this poem so poignantly captures what it means to be human, and eloquently sets out a exemplar way of living. i hope you all enjoy this as much as i have (and do)

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

complain less, appreciate more

ash wednesday marks the beginning of lent, and while i’m not catholic, i do like the idea of giving something up for a season. however, i also think that the idea of lent gets lost when people use it as a “new years resolution 2.0” for example, or as the gateway to their diet. i want to try to embrace lent as remembering what the season stands for: this the period of the last days of Christ, before He made his sacrifice for me. and in that spirit, i don’t want to give up chocolate, or stop drinking alcohol, but rather give up existing rather than living.

for lent, i want to live to the full. smile more, complain less, feel more gratitude. i want to spend time with friends, make memories, learn things, challenge myself, explore new places and ideas. plan for the summer, pour myself into the things that fill up my days.

because we only get so many days. life is so painfully short, so uncertain, so fragile. i find myself in tears frequently, mourning the loss of someone who meant so much to me. but she did not let her illness define her, and did her best not to let it prevent her from living. til the very end, she fought against this. and in that spirit, i too want to live my life, rather than simply exist in it. i don’t want to miss out on my own life mourning the loss of hers, but i’d rather celebrate both of our lives, and be so filled with gratitude for all the years that i knew her and the smiles she brought me.

in reality, i don’t have much to complain about. but i have an abundance to rejoice in. i hope for these 40 days and beyond that i can seize happiness, cling to God, and be as present as possible in the world around me. i’m giving up a halfassed existence for Lent, to celebrate my Savior and my life and my endless blessings. after all, as the Beatles so perfectly said:

life is very short, and there’s no time
for fussing and fighting my friend

i hope to work on biting my tongue against words that are better left unspoken, and speaking up those things that get under-said, like i love you and thank you and be positive.

a name change

i figured it was time for a title change. after all, this won’t necessarily be my food blog anymore, so the food related title was much less fitting. i just adore this quote, and use it on another blog.

be at peace, not in pieces

i think it’s a fairly accurate representation of my life, but also of where i hope to go from here. it holds true for everyone though. life is hard, but it is beautiful, and we are all sweetly broken. but just because we are broken, does not mean that we have to give up our peace to be in pieces. i’ve come a long way towards healing, and am even starting to love myself. i am a person i never thought i’d be- or perhaps, i see myself in a way i never thought i would. have i really changed, or have i just changed my perspective?

that question alone really speaks towards the quote. peace is a mentality as much as a physical existence, and one that we have to strive to bring to ourselves. at peace with food, at peace with myself, at peace with God, at peace with the people in my life. the effort to be happy is the same as the effort to be miserable. the effort to heal is the same as the effort to self-destruct.

finding rachel, becoming rachel, being rachel. it’s a bunch of overused phrases that are all hinting at the same thing, being at peace. and hoping to never again find myself in pieces.

i recently found this verse and thought i’d share it, because it’s just so amazing:

blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her! (Luke 1:45)

it’s like i was thinking about yesterday, how things have a tendency to work out. perhaps peace comes from being more in touch with God, and less focused on yourself, so that you can see the peace, rather than the pieces (just to overuse the phrase a bit more). He has done far more than fulfill His promises to me, and i am so overwhelmingly grateful for that! i truly believe that much more is yet to come, and i am doing my best to welcome it with open arms, without wondering why me. i know i need to be better about accepting gifts with gratitude rather than guilt, and that this is part of the process of being truly happy.

by the way- i had quite the time trying to figure out what i wanted my username to be. here’s the discussion i had with my best friend trying to figure it out:

ps, is it just me or is wordpress getting more confusing? i feel like i can never find what i want to find because the layout is all complex and things aren’t where i’m used to them being… all these advances and changes make me feel like i’m going senile. it’s almost impossible for me to navigate facebook anymore and i’ve had mine for 8 years…. frightening.

13 for 13

A New Year. A time of new hope, new possibility, rejuvenation and motivation. Cliche, but true. I’ve never been a new years eve person, but a fresh year always feels striking to me. I just can’t resist. For the past w years, I’ve made my number of resolutions try to match up with the year, so this year I’m up to 13! I thought I’d share, as I rather miss blogging and think I’ll try to start up again.

1. Be a better listener.
2. Watch my mouth: complaint and swear less, speak more positively about self and others, speak the kindest words I can, talk less about myself, overuse thanks and I love you, pray more
3. Treat my body well: sleep, be active, drinks lots of water (this one I really struggle with), eat clean (but keep eating!), relax, etc.
4. Read 40 books
5. Stay in first honors
6. Give more: tithing, volunteer/service, donations, words of encouragement, advice, time, etc.
7. Do a happiness project (which I will definitely be trying to blog about!)
8. Seek novelty: travel, try new foods, look at things with fresh perspectives, meet new people, learn as much as possible
9. Draw closer to God, learn to lean on Him more, keep faith, and be a light to others.
11. Balance and take time: to do things well, be organized, plan ahead, cook real meals, drive the speed limit, hang out with friends, write letters, clean apartment, etc. Remember it will all get done!
12.Do one good deed a day/ be kinder
13. Find and focus on the good in every person, setback, failure, moment, struggle, and day.

I think there are lots of other changes I’d like to see in myself that stem from these. Having a backbone and being independent, being slow to anger and quick to forgive, being more appreciative, exerting energy on the right people and things, for example.

2012 ended up being a truly wonderful year. I finally feel like I’ve found where I belong. I did so well in all my classes this semester (got a 4.0!!), joined activities, started another volunteer job, made friends, reconnected with old friends, built on my faith, and just generally became such a happier person. I’m heading into this semester with people finally believing I’ll actually be okay, and that means the world to me. I should be a senior, but this will be my second ever spring semester! Excited really doesn’t begin to cover it. I have a research position on campus, an internship with a nonprofit, will get to do grant writing, am taking interesting classes, and just feel like things are going to work out for me. It’ll be hard when most of my friends graduate in May, but at least I know that’ll motivate me to be more social during the semester.

I hope y’all are doing well, and would love to hear about your favorite moments from last year, as well as what you’re looking forward to in 2013, and what your resolutions are!

the faith of a child

this week i had the blessing of working at Vacation Bible School at my church, and was amazed and how wonderful an experience it was. i know i’ve mentioned that during this spring i’d been volunteering teaching sunday school with kids with special needs, and one of those kids was at camp this week, so his mom (who organizes the special needs ministry) asked for volunteers to help out. he and his sister are just the cutest kids, and i had such a great time hanging out with them and seeing their faith, as well as the faith of all the hundreds of other kids and volunteers around me.

one of the projects this week was raising money for something called Operation Kid to Kid, and the money went towards buying mosquito nets for kids in Mali. such an incredible, lifesaving thing- and something that is so simple. yet it teaches the kids about how blessed they are, but also how able they are to bless and save the lives of hours. These kids brought in enough money this week to buy 250 nets, which can hold 3 or 4 small children- meaning that the kids at camp saved roughly 1,000 lives! it was a really touching moment at the end of the service today when we were wrapping up camp to hear all the kids screaming out of excitement at getting to give those nets to the kids in mali, along with the cards that we made to send them.

it was also just so powerful spending so much time with evan, the boy i was there to help. he just finished first grade and has down syndrome, but sometimes i even forget that he’s any different from the other kids. getting to be with him was a blessing to me, and i could see it as a blessing for the other kids as well. some really rose to the occasion of helping him out and trying to include him without getting frustrated (which must have been hard for a group of 9 year olds!). at times, i feel totally clueless when trying to help out. i feel uncomfortable, inept, unable to serve in the way i wish i could. i am learning patience through volunteering, but also learning a great deal about taking my body and it’s abilities for what they’re worth. i wish i knew more about down syndrome, but know enough to be amazed by evan’s abilities in all areas. i recently read a book written by a blogger about her daughter with down syndrome, which taught me a bit, but i still don’t know very much- don’t know what’s typical, what’s a symptom, what’s helpful, what isn’t. it’s definitely one of my summer goals to look more into this disease, and hopefully sometime this year i’ll get to take a course on working with those with special needs. i don’t think i could do it professionally, but it is something that has been a really rewarding experience for me, very eye opening, yet i know there is so much more to learn.

i love this ministry though, because it integrates children with special needs with those without, which is so mutually beneficial for all the kids. it’s a wonderful reminder that we are all children of God, that we are all different from each other, but that we have one God who loves us all the same. none of us are perfect, some of those imperfections are physical, some are mental, some are relational, some are emotional- but no matter what the imperfection, we are still loved, we are still human, we are all still brothers and sisters with one another. working with evan and the other kiddos has really helped me grasp this, and also embrace the things that make me unique. we’re all different, but as humans, we are all the same. what a valuable reminder this has been, what an important lesson i have been reminded of from a small group of kids.

the bible says multiple times to have faith like a child, and i can see why. these kids, so innocent and trusting and pure, have such a wonderful faith. we teach them phrases like no matter who you are, where you are, what you feel, what people do, TRUST GOD. and to hear them scream TRUST GOD, really reminded me to do just that, to remember these simple messages with phrases that make a world of difference. perhaps they haven’t been through terrible things, or maybe they have, but they know that whatever life throws at them, God will be there, that the sun will shine again, that God will carry them through. i think of all the times i wished i had had this message growing up, and the way it has helped save my life and build me into a better and stronger and healthier person over the last few years. we also learned a really great acronym today, for our “most important instruction manual”, the Bible. as we were taught it: Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. clever, right? that’s one i gotta hang on to.

i love working with kids, because i find that they always teach me about myself and about life and how to go about living in this crazy world. i spent three days with a group of 5-10 year olds, and find myself so much for the better because of that experience. i wish this camp lasted longer, but am so happy for the days that i got to spend! we forget how we believed when we were kids, how different and better the world looked. what if we all tried to go back to that state, that even though we have all lost so much innocence, we still have the same hope and optimism in the world? what if we saw the best in people, let people know that we loved them, laughed and played more, gave more hugs? it sounds like a much better way of life than the one i have gotten in the habit of living. i admire these kids in so many ways, and have seen so many other kids teach me the most valuable life lessons. it’s clear to me why jesus teaches us that we ought to have faith like a child, why it is so desirable and rewarded. i hope that i can keep these important lessons and the feelings of happiness with me, and continue to grow through this amazing volunteer ministry that i’ve become a part of!

after this week, i’m reminded of some of my favorite bible verses too, and thought i’d share those to close:

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you.
– Joshua 1:9

People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
– 1 Samuel 16:7

But those who hope in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles
– Isaiah 40:31

I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.
– Romans 8:38

have you ever worked with kids and found it taught you more than you expected?
what’s your favorite verse (or quote)? 

learning and eating, one WIAW at a time

i’ve learned a startling amount about myself and about my life in the past six months. and in those months, i have not spent a single day in school. maybe they were lessons i’d been taught before, but never quite absorbed, yet now they are pillars of my understanding of myself and my surroundings and the things that give me hope and strength each day. the joy of it all is that the process is continual, that each day i am learning more and more, and becoming so much more alive from the entire experience.

i never thought i’d say this, but as i look at my recovery and my life and my past, as i see those around me (healthy and sick), and i see all the choices in each day, i realize one important thing: i wouldn’t trade my recovery for anybody or any body. that thought alone is the greatest thing i have learned, the thing that is going to carry me through whatever tough times lie ahead.

more than that, I am learning: that freedom is better than bondage, that food is better than starving, that there is no day like What I Ate Wednesday…

my recovery plate 🙂

birthday cake flavored oreos!!!

messy iphone picture of my quinoa and bean salad shaker from whole foods! so filling and delicious

that people are generally better than you think, that the world has a funny way of working out, that light truly follows darkness and that hanging on is more worth it than i could ever hope to put into words.

i am learning that there is no perfect way to do this, but that what works for me is what matters, and that i’m the one who will sustain this process and reap the benefits on the other side.

i am starting to embrace my lack of control, realizing how much of a blessing that is. without the control in my hands, i have no responsibility, can feel no guilt, and really can do nothing to change a thing. so i can either sit and fear it, or sit back, let go, and enjoy the ride. the results are the same, but the experience is different. i realize that nothing i do is really going to change the things i wish i could, but i can look forward to them with hope and faith, rather than dreadful anticipation, and know that it will be better.

it’s interesting to look at these past six months, at the things i have eaten and accomplished, and wonder who i am, wonder how i got here, and wonder why i ever held myself back for so long. i think Dickens had it right in Great Expectations when he wrote

I have been bent and broken, but — I hope — into a better shape.

they don’t teach you in school that challenges make you a better person, that it’s really okay to eat and be vulnerable and be yourself, that people love you for who you are not what you look like (and if they don’t, how much do you really want them in your life?). they don’t teach you that learning as a process is more important than the material that is covered, that life is the greatest teacher of them all, and that one is never too busy to stop and look introspectively and see where they need to change directions, or perhaps just enjoy how far they’ve come. and somehow, they don’t quite teach you to love yourself. but it’s okay- i’m learning that one anyway 🙂

what’s the best out-of-school/ life lesson you’ve ever learned?
do you have a favorite day of the week? i’m quite partial to wednesdays, though i do love sundays and tuesdays as well! 

3 days of challenge and a mini vacation

hey all! i’m off to my beach house today for my birthday weekend! finally turning 21!! i’m actually not all that excited, but it’ll be nice to get away from work for three days. anyway, here are a few days of my challenge before i go:

Day 18 – Have you found a Higher Power? If so, what is it? Explain how it has helped you with your recovery.
yes, but i  have believed in God for most of my life. the first time i entered treatment was the first time i really connected my faith to my recovery and it made a world of difference. who God says i am and who Ed says i am are two opposite people, and i work each and every day to believe God’s truth over Ed’s lies. can’t say i always win, but i’m working on it.

Day 19 – What is the hardest thing you had to give up because of your disorder/addiction?
I gave up Vanderbilt, essentially. there were other factors that went into it, but without my eating disorder, i never would have left or gotten into the situations i got into that prompted me to transfer. consequently, i attend a school i don’t particularly like, which is really hard. i’ve given up years of my life and more friends than i could count, and so many opportunities.

Day 20 – Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
i wish i knew. hopefully graduated from college, maybe having gone to grad school, working somewhere. i wish i’d be married but who knows.  i’m trying to just take things one day at a time, which is certainly hard, but the future isn’t guaranteed.

Day 21 – What was your ‘rock bottom’? How did you overcome it?
see this post. basically, rock bottom had to have been january. low weight, fainting frequently, not functional, low heart rate, horribly orthostatic, every relationship destroyed, unable to walk or talk or function. and i overcame it by being admitted really, and slowly starting to eat and want to live and try to give recovery a shot.

each day is still really hard for me, especially now that it’s summer and i’m going to be up at the beach and “flaunting” this body that i hate so much. i am trying to remember to breathe, to remember all the people and reasons that keep me in recovery, and not let my body image and urges to restrict take away from my weekend and time with friends. i have been working so hard, and as much as it’s tempting to let it all go and slide right back into my eating disorder, i know that isn’t an option. i’m not a quitter, and i have devoted so much time and effort into this, so i’m going to keep hanging on. there are small victories in every day, i just need to work harder to see them. plus, i really do love being at the beach more than anywhere, and it’s hard for me to be in that bad of a mood when i’m there. so that’s something 🙂

anyway, i’m off for a quick run, then up to the beach for a few days! hope you all have a lovely MDW!!

what are y’alls plans for this weekend?
what kind of cake do you have for your birthday? (i always have carrot!)

a recovery rut

things have not been easy lately, to say the least. i’m not entirely sure what’s gotten into me, where my strong motivation has gone, and why i’ve been having such a hard time picking food. i’m not doing terribly, but i am definitely slipping- no bueno! hopefully things turn around soon. i’m thinking it has a lot to do with nerves about going up to my beach house and the advent of bathing suit season. i mean, who feels good about themselves at this time of year?

for inspiration, the days i’ve been missing on my challenge:

day 12: What are 3 things you would like to change about yourself?

1. i want to be fully recovered, period, end of story
2. i wish i were a more helpful, less self-focused person
3. i wish i were friendlier and better able to connect with people

(i’m gonna assume that i can’t choose changing my body as an option here…)

 day 13: have your struggles made you a better person? how?
this is definitely an interesting thing to think about. i think, for the most part, i have become a better and stronger person because of all that has happened to me and all i’ve been through in my life. i think i am more grateful than i would have been otherwise, and certainly have a much stronger sense of self and identity and needs than i imagine i wouldn’t have had i never been sick. at the same time, my eating disorder turned me into an absolutely awful and unrecognizable person, and it’s hard to forgive her for all that she did. to keep it short, i did so many unthinkable and unsayable things because my eating disorder wanted me to, and hurt everyone in my life as a result. it’s hard to forgive myself for the years of pain and destruction i caused. i am still, however, able to look at myself and see what good has come from all this, and i’m so grateful for this. what would the point of recovery be if we weren’t able to look back, gain perspective, learn about ourselves, and change for the better?

day 14: Think about yourself one year ago, how have you changed?

this is definitely hard to think about, because i was in a really good place a year ago with my recovery. i think the biggest difference is my level of acceptance of things around me, my faith in God, my ability to let things just be at times. i’ve learned not to take things so personally and try to see other sides of stories. i have become more flexible with people and willing to engage with my team too, i suppose. i’m a lot closer with my family as well. i think i’ve gained a better sense of what i like and what i need in my life as well and have been trying to fill up my time with those things, even if i struggle. it’s nice to think about this around my birthday (which is in one week!!) and see that even if i’m only 20, i’m not so young as to not be learning from my mistakes and seeing the changes that are constant in my life. i wish i could say with certainty that i’ve become a better or a stronger person, but i don’t know that i believe that. maybe i’ve got more fight in me, maybe i’ve seen more strength come out (on both ends of the spectrum), and maybe i am more aware of the consequences of my actions, which helps guide me as i make new ones.

a eulogy of sorts

day five: how do you want to be remembered?

hmm well first off, i suppose i’d just like to be remembered in general! i have such a fear of going through my whole life and it not mattering to anyone, and i hope will every part of me that that isn’t true, that there will be people who can’t imagine their lives without having had me in it (as selfish as that is), and remember me when i’m gone. i have been asked this question before, often in the form of ” imagine someone speaking at your funeral or 80th birthday party, reflecting on your life and the person that you were. what would you want to be said about you, what do you want your legacy to be?” i love this question, i love thinking about this, and i love the motivation it gives me, to be who i can be instead of living a life of “she could’ve been,” to be more than my eating disorder.

i imagine hearing the words “she lived each day to the fullest, she never denied someone help or a smile or a word of encouragement, she was hopelessly optimistic” being spoken about me. i would love to graduate college, to go on to some career that involved helping kids with cancer. i’d love to use my playful personality traits to do play therapy with kids in hospitals. i wholeheartedly believe in service, and that’s something about myself that i hope is remembered. i don’t want the end of my life to be sad, but rather the kind of thing that makes people think “we could have said goodbye any day and it wouldn’t have mattered, she lived each day as if it were her last, she made every moment count- for herself and for those around her.”

lately, i’ve been pretty lost in what my life could’ve been, if i weren’t anorexic, if i hadn’t left vanderbilt, if all the bad things that have happened hadn’t turned out how they had. who could i have been? where would i be? when i’m remembered, i don’t want any of that to matter. i don’t want them to remember me as the one who gave up vanderbilt, the one who suffered from an eating disorder, the victim. i want to be the survivor, the one who fought and conquered and aided others through their battles. i want to be the hero of my story, not the one who is rescued. it’s hard for me to imagine this right now, with so many people talking about who i used to be and who i am now and shaking their heads in pity. but i swear that someday i will be better, stronger, healthier, and more myself. and i won’t be defined by what i do or do not do, but rather by the person that my life has created me to be, the one i know i have had in me all along. i don’t want to be defined by or remembered by my choices, especially the ones that are so hard to live with. i don’t want there to be any doubt about who i could be- i want to be that person.

i want to be remembered for my faith, for all that church means to me and for the way it has changed my life. i want to be remembered as a loyal, trusting, faithful, Christian- and i want to serve in my church as well, even more than i do now. i’d like to go on a mission trip eventually, maybe multiple, and would like to be remembered as someone who shared and inspired faith and hope in others.

i want to have a family, to be a best friend, to be honest and loyal and compassionate. i want to be funny, i want to make people smile. i want to be remembered as a good person, sister, daughter, wife, mother, friend. i really want to be remembered just for being myself, and for that being more than good enough. what more is there to really want in life, than the privilege of being yourself and being loved and loving others? i can’t think of any.

(note to self: there is not one word in here about your appearance- no one cares if you’re fat or thin or anything at all that you place so much value on. they will remember you for being you, don’t stress so much over the size of your jeans or a number on a scale… it doesn’t even really matter to you when you have to think about it!)

if you had to pick 5 words to be remembered as, what would they be?