i am back in boston. i’ve wanted to write in here but i just can’t find the words. i am tired, i am sad, i am worried. i had the most amazing weekend i could have asked for in nashville with my incredible friends. i got to eat out at restaurants i’d been wanting to eat at, i got to do things i never let myself do before. i went to my old church and really enjoyed the message. i made sure to leave in the best possible way, and hopefully let everyone remember me well.
the problem? i’m not sure i really want to be leaving. yet my mom won’t let me go back. my therapist wouldn’t approve it. i have to stay in boston now, and i’m actually heartbroken about that. the next week seems impossibly long. i think once i move into my apartment and am making new friends and back into college life, i’ll feel better. i have orientation for work tomorrow and a few shifts next week that should help fill up my days so i don’t feel so bad about not being in nashville. the other issue is definitely my appetite…or lack thereof. it’s not that i don’t want to eat, it’s that nothing at all sounds appealing. i can’t think of anything i want to have, so i keep missing meals. a good friend mentioned it to me, how she wasn’t so sure i was actually doing that well. my mom mentioned that i’d lost weight. i won’t weigh myself to find out, but i don’t doubt it’s true. it’s a tough spot to be in, because i want to look good to start a new school, but i know i’m not supposed to be losing weight. of course, i feel gross per usual. so it’s a battle. every second, it’s a battle.
i wanted to write something about my nashville friends, about what they mean to me, what they’ve given me, but i’m honestly beyond words. i love them so much. there are so many faces that come to mind that make me smile, but also bring tears to my eyes. they have seen me through high and low, success and failure, life, and near death. it takes a special kind of person to welcome you back with a smile when you have put them through so much, when you left them without saying goodbye, when you totally shut them out. it takes a special kind of person to look past sickness and love you anyway. and i have so many of those people in my life, understanding that difficulty of my situation, the amount that it pains me, but supporting me wholeheartedly. encouraging me. promising me i’ll be okay, and that they’ll always look forward to seeing me. all i can do is believe them, and pray that distance doesn’t matter, and pray that as our lives go on, they still think of me. because i’d be so lost without them.
so i’m gonna backtrack a bit, and put my safeties in place. i’m meal planning out this week and hoping for the best. there is no room for sickness in my life, and i’m unwilling to lose the happiness and relationships i’ve fought so hard for. maybe i’m tired and sad and lonely, but that’s no excuse to go back to the thing that makes me saddest and loneliest of all. so i count the days til i move in to my apartment, and am once again in class. i miss it so much!
any suggestions for easy meals? maybe some comfort foods?
how do you cope with tough goodbyes?
at peace, not in pieces 