days go by

hey all! it’s been a few days since i’ve done any posts from my recovery challenge, so i thought i’d pick right back up with day 10 beacuse it’s one that’s near and dear to my heart, especially since the past week or so hasn’t been the best for me. but there’s no time like the present, and i’m determined to get back on track! so without further ado:

day 10: List 5 goals you have for yourself, short-term or long-term.

i think this might be better to do with 5 of each, because i know i have a lot of goals, and it’s these goals that are going to help get me back on track. it’s ever so easy to restrict, to cut out a few exchanges here and there and pretend like it’s fine. my therapist was telling me the other day what a slippery slope that was, and how badly i need to get back to doing 100%. i guess i’ve just had so much on my mind that i’m trying to accept and process and deal with, that i’ve turned to my eating disorder to numb it all out- when it’s really having the eating disorder under control that’s even allowed me to begin to deal with things after all these years!

short term goals:

1. find an apartment for school
2. graduate college without taking any more time off
3. follow meal plan without using any behaviors
4. knock at least 10 books off my to-read list
5. earn/save money

long term goals:

1. RECOVER! i know this is a big one but hey, it’s gonna be a long haul. i believe in myself and my ability though, and i know that i’ll somehow, someday make it happen
2. have a family and my own home
3. live a joyful life
4. inspire help others- through my actions, faith, career, etc
5. be at peace with my self and body and have a positive relationship with both

i think it’s so important to have goals, otherwise recovery seems impossible and a bit pointless. so often i get frustrated that things aren’t more different and i fall into the “oh what’s the point, nothing’s really changing, it’ll always be like this” mentality. i know it isn’t true though. i can look around my life and see a million ways things are better off than they were when i was sick. for example, i can get out of bed. i can stand up without fainting. i can have a conversation. i can walk up a flight of steps without clutching the railing. these seem like such little things, but they are ones that i took for granted. they’re things i forgot were normal when i was sick. it’s wonderful having a head that isn’t always aching, hands that are steady instead of shaking, and the ability to focus all the way through a conversation. having an eating disorder does not just change the shape of your body- it wraps its way into every aspect of your life and changes it all so you forget what it truly means to live, to be alive, to want either of those things.

still, recovery feels impossible right now. i can’t believe that things are going to get better than they are, and maybe how they are is (for the most part) good enough. i feel like my mind is on over drive, and my body image is awful. pushing forward means exacerbating these things, and not using my familiar coping mechanisms to make me feel any better. that basically translates into recovery feels like crap! but i live for the moments when i’m able to have an extra snack, or try a sample at work, or get a latte instead of a black coffee. recovery is a long term goal, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t every day triumphs. it’s these things that i have to focus on, and remind myself that 10 years of illness aren’t going to go away in four months, as much as i wish they could have. i need to learn ways to take a break without using my eating disorder, and i’m a bit short on effective ways. i do have books though, so at least i’ve been getting a lot of reading done lately!

my birthday is in 11 days and i’m heading up to my beach house, which should be fun, but is also terrifying. i just put on a significant amount of weight, and even though it was necessary, being in my body is a hard place to be right now. i am so self conscious, and i can hardly imagine wearing a bathing suit out in public. i’ve been pulling out all the skills i can, and reminding myself that people like me for more than my body, that the size of my thighs or the way my stomach looks is not going to make or break anything for me. i suppose there’s always “fake it til you make it” too! it means a lot to me to be able to spend my birthday at my beach house like i do every year, with people who i’ve known my whole life and absolutely adore. i don’t want ED to steal another one away from me, i don’t want him to make me miserable on my special day. and most of all, i want to have my cake and eat it too, and then spend the day in a bathing suit without crying!

right after my birthday last year, visiting a friend in Texas

what’s your favorite way to distract your mind when it won’t shut off?
what are some of your goals?