learning and eating, one WIAW at a time

i’ve learned a startling amount about myself and about my life in the past six months. and in those months, i have not spent a single day in school. maybe they were lessons i’d been taught before, but never quite absorbed, yet now they are pillars of my understanding of myself and my surroundings and the things that give me hope and strength each day. the joy of it all is that the process is continual, that each day i am learning more and more, and becoming so much more alive from the entire experience.

i never thought i’d say this, but as i look at my recovery and my life and my past, as i see those around me (healthy and sick), and i see all the choices in each day, i realize one important thing: i wouldn’t trade my recovery for anybody or any body. that thought alone is the greatest thing i have learned, the thing that is going to carry me through whatever tough times lie ahead.

more than that, I am learning: that freedom is better than bondage, that food is better than starving, that there is no day like What I Ate Wednesday…

my recovery plate 🙂

birthday cake flavored oreos!!!

messy iphone picture of my quinoa and bean salad shaker from whole foods! so filling and delicious

that people are generally better than you think, that the world has a funny way of working out, that light truly follows darkness and that hanging on is more worth it than i could ever hope to put into words.

i am learning that there is no perfect way to do this, but that what works for me is what matters, and that i’m the one who will sustain this process and reap the benefits on the other side.

i am starting to embrace my lack of control, realizing how much of a blessing that is. without the control in my hands, i have no responsibility, can feel no guilt, and really can do nothing to change a thing. so i can either sit and fear it, or sit back, let go, and enjoy the ride. the results are the same, but the experience is different. i realize that nothing i do is really going to change the things i wish i could, but i can look forward to them with hope and faith, rather than dreadful anticipation, and know that it will be better.

it’s interesting to look at these past six months, at the things i have eaten and accomplished, and wonder who i am, wonder how i got here, and wonder why i ever held myself back for so long. i think Dickens had it right in Great Expectations when he wrote

I have been bent and broken, but — I hope — into a better shape.

they don’t teach you in school that challenges make you a better person, that it’s really okay to eat and be vulnerable and be yourself, that people love you for who you are not what you look like (and if they don’t, how much do you really want them in your life?). they don’t teach you that learning as a process is more important than the material that is covered, that life is the greatest teacher of them all, and that one is never too busy to stop and look introspectively and see where they need to change directions, or perhaps just enjoy how far they’ve come. and somehow, they don’t quite teach you to love yourself. but it’s okay- i’m learning that one anyway 🙂

what’s the best out-of-school/ life lesson you’ve ever learned?
do you have a favorite day of the week? i’m quite partial to wednesdays, though i do love sundays and tuesdays as well! 

one tasty WIAW

life has been absolutely crazy lately, but the eats have been equally delicious! i’m on the run right now but i just can’t bare to share this food with the blogging world, so here’s an essentially wordless post…not that the pictures don’t speak plenty for themselves (and my most sincere apologies for that double negative)

finally found and got it!!!!

i had a new version of my favorite breakfast: cookie butter, choco peanut butter, banana breakfast quesadilla!

the insides

HEAVENLY ❤

lunch was a kashi meal because i was feeling super lazy

chicken penne pomodoro

snacky snack was some peanut brittle that i’m mildly obsessed with

 

dinner was another heavenly grilled creation. my parents gave me a george forman for my apartment, so i tested it out with an AMAZING st.andre brie and apple panini on a ciabetta (i think) roll from whole foods. SOOOO TASTY!

my nutritionist, upon learning i was going on a cruise, shoved many luna and z-bars in my face to take with me for snacks abroad. she gets them as free samples, so now i have mini lunas and clifs to have for ages! and i had one of each for my night time snack 🙂

that’s about it- so delicious! and a bit more variety than i’ve been having lately so that’s also a plus.  i promise a real update soon! maybe tomorrow while i’m sitting on the beach 😉

have you tried cookie butter?
do you still eat hot food when the weather outside is hot?

snacks on snacks on snacks

it seems like lately my meals have had a snackier appearance, and my snacks have been more frequent. not sure how my nutritionist would feel about this, but i kinda like it. it helps me feel like i’m not being deprived, even though i worry that i’m exceeding the amount of calories i should be having in a day. then again, who’s counting? finally, not me!

Wednesday has finally crept up on me again and y’all know what that means…

YAY! these are yesterday’s eats. i’m finding it a bit easier to use Tuesday for WIAW, because then i feel like i can participate more on the creeping and sharing and getting inspired of wednesday 🙂

the fixin’s

breakfast was switched up again!! i can hardly believe it. i’ve been missing eggs lately, and definitely craving hot sauce, so i threw together a nice scramble of egg whites with all the fixins: guacamole, black beans, peppers, onions, and mexican cheese blend. i have to admit, it was a little scary. i’m usually one to calculate every calorie in my eggs, and it’s a meal i associate a fair amount with my eating disorder. but when i threw this together, nothing was measured, cheese was delightfully added, as was guacamole. food should taste good, and food should be enjoyed. and this breakfast was certainly a nice break from the ordinary!

switch up number two came with morning snack- mango! i haven’t had this fruit in forever, and i used to eat it every day, so i’m not really sure what’s been up with that. maybe the fresh berry season has just been too good a distraction. anyway, it was nice to reunite with my beloved. so tasty!

lunch was a bit of a snack fest with a friend. i recently discovered this AMAZING vegan queso at work, so we devoured that with pretzel chips. if you’re a vegan, and even if you aren’t, you MUST try this. it’s basically nutritional yeast and water- the whole jar is only 160 calories! i know, i know, who’s counting- but seriously. healthy “queso”? it’s too good to pass up!! like i said, i’ve been having rather “snacky” meals lately, and i know this isn’t entirely a large meal. fear not, we made those delicious pillsbury ready to bake cookies and ate those as well!

*this is not my picture, but i forgot to take one so i borrowed the image of the kind we used

after my work out i nommed on one of my guilty pleasure bars- the cookie dough balance bars. these things are really convincing for the whole cookie dough taste. not too filling, but still delicious. i’m never too hungry post working out, so it’s usually a bit of a struggle to eat. this definitely hits the spot then 🙂

i usually don’t have dinner with my family but my mom made enchiladas last night and i was home so i decided to join in on the fun. my mom’s a good cook, i just find family meals awkward and somewhat stressful, so i avoid them. that, or i’m working. these were really tasty though and i’m looking forward to the leftovers!

my last snack of the day brought me back to my beloved chobani. i’d never tried this flavor and was pleasantly surprised by it! kinda tasted like fall, which was nice.

so many switch ups in one day- but definitely delicious! i totally struggle with the whole variety thing, so i’m going to try to improve that. it makes food more enjoyable, and that’s what i need right now. i haven’t felt like cooking much lately either, which means the bulk of my food is a la whole foods prepped foods department, parfaits, or something frozen. convenience, convenience… the enemy of variety. i guess i just need to get motivated again, but it’s hard! i know that variety is one of the major components of healthy eating and recovery, so it’s something i’ll have to keep striving towards. i’ve been doing a bit better with it lately, and certainly better about challenging myself, so i’m confident i’ll be able to keep it up and keep moving forward.

how do you add variety to your days when you don’t feel like putting in effort?
having any easy and delicious meal suggestions?

my favorite day of the week

Jenn, I know we’ve never met, but I do so love you for organizing WIAW. I love seeing what other bloggers are eating, I love meeting random people, I love the hope I eat each week of developing new blogger friendships. WIAW is such a wonderful and amazing thing!

this week, I’m featuring Tuesday’s eats, as I’m going to be out and about all day today.

believe it or not, i actually switched up my breakfast! i had puffins, berries, and yogurt literally every day, but my mom made some zucchini bread so i figured i’d switch it up. so this breakfast still has my beloved Chobani, as well as some mom-made zucchini bread and a nice big banana. so delicious!

i had work bright an early so i had to run off and couldn’t snag a picture of my morning snack, which was a pria bar.

they had my FAVORITE salad on the salad bar yesterday so i was thrilled about that. it’s the mesclun goat cheese salad, for any of you whole foods regulars. it has mixed greens, goat cheese, craisins, and pecans (which i think are candied or roasted or something, they’re incredibly delicious). naturally, i topped mine off with some extra berries! so freaking yummy.

after work i headed to the gym, per one of my goals for this month, and got in a nice workout. i’m never sure if i’m working out to fuel my eating disorder, or because i genuinely want to be healthy. i think it’s a bit of a mix of both, if i’m perfectly honest. there was a huge temptation to have my workout be my afternoon snack (yeah, eating disorder logic right there), but i ended up having a clif bar anyway.

i saw a great quote yesterday that i just had to put on my status, and i think is quite relevant to a lot i write about on here (i.e. how i don’t like to deal with things, and how i dislike exercise):

does running away from my problems count as exercise?

it’s just so perfect! and how i wish it were true…

dinner was delicious as well! this week at work we’ve had a sale on buffalo chicken salad, which is pretty much amazing. i am a die hard fan of all things buffalo, so this was something made for me! seeing as it was the last day, i got some more, went home, and had it with chips and guac. deconstructed nachos, if you will. the top of the guacamole container made me laugh too, as it’s something i LOVE to say:

perhaps not the most accurate opinion of myself, but we all have “fat days,” right? talk about body acceptance though! i always joke with my friends that i have the body of a god, and that god just happens to be Buddha. i joke that i am “buddha-ful.” i know it’s awful, and that it in a way fuels my negative thoughts about myself, but i really do do it in a good natured way. the top of this guac just made me laugh so hard, and i’m definitely keeping it once the container runs out!

anyway, i wrapped up the night with a white chocolate macadamia luna bar. i have a small obsession with bars, if you couldn’t tell. i mean… 3 kinds in one day? who does that? should’ve snuck one of my kashi bars and a thinkthin bar in thiere and i would’ve had them all! i kid you not when i say i’m obsessed though… my collection takes “taste the rainbow” to a whole other level.

since this week’s WIAW is supposed to feature snacks, i think i’ll mention a few other goods i have around the house that i love to munch on and have featured in previous weeks, including:

• date rolls, covered in almonds or coconut
• banana chips
• teddy grahams or animal crackers
•  SoDelicious ice cream
• yogurt and granola, because i just can’t get enough!
• cantaloupe (this word always looks like it’s spelled wrong to me)

and of course, all the bars i mentioned above. they travel well and are easy to bring to work with me and eat on my short breaks.

what do you like to snack on?
do you tend to eat the same or similar things every day or try to branch out?
    i’m lacking in the variety department and am trying to decide just how much i need/want to change that…

birthday WIAW!

as i mentioned, i turned 21 on Monday. the novelty of legally being able to drink has definitely not worn off. these aren’t my birthday eats, but i celebrated round two with my friend last night in boston, so without further ado (since i’m already pretty late to the game!):

per usual, breakfast was a yogurt mess of puffins, blackberries, blueberries, and plain Oikos greek yogurt

my morning snack was banana chips, which i’m absolutely addicted to. it’s probably the most unhealthy of dried fruits, but what do i care? they’re absolutely delicious! and great in trail mix…

ooo heaven is a place on earth…

lunch was also my favorite, because yesterday was my day to spoil myself. peanut butter banana panini… HEAVEN IN A SANDWICH, in my opinion. i even went a little crazy with the PB and put in some of our whole foods fresh ground chocolate pb. it was wonderful 🙂

if i could only eat one thing for the rest of my life, it’d be fro yo

snack i got in boston with my “little sister.” we stopped at a froyo place called BerryLine, but the one on newbury st is like deluxe, so for a topping i got fresh made nutella cookies! like i said…totally spoiled myself yesterday. but hey, it’s my birthday/birthweek… gonna stretch that out for all it’s worth!

dinner was at one of my favorite restaurants, the met bar. i got a fairly strong but still tasty cocktail, and a grilled tofu steak in ginger broth with brown rice. my lil sis got the best mac and cheese known to man (i think i ate more of her meal than my own…)

“tequila rosa”…emphasis on the tequila… not so much the grapefruit and pomegranate “rosa” part.a

earthy crunchy hipster looking tofu

our obsession

yesterday was definitely a great day, especially taste wise! shopping was a bit challenging though, but i tried not to let it get me. being in my body is definitely hard right now, and i’m constantly having to battle the thoughts that each day i’m getting bigger and bigger. i know i could be working out more, than i could tone up, yadda yadda yadda, but i also know that my body isn’t the real problem, my head is. so i’m trying to stop those thoughts when they come up and do my best to eat and then not feel guilty. i wish my body image could just magically improve, even though i know that won’t happen. it’s hard to be in this foreign feeling body that i hate so much. it’s hard to shop and hate my size, to remember what i used to look like and the sizes i used to wear, to put on clothes and have them fit differently. it’s all part of recovery, and different isn’t necessary bad. i have to keep reminding myself of that, and remember that food is necessary, and even enjoyable! progression, not perfection- right?

i hope y’all had a wonderful WIAW too!

what was the best thing you ate yesterday?
do you try to stretch out celebrating your birthday too?

life improvements and WIAW

day 17: what has improved since you entered recovery?

i can answer that in 3 words: just. about. everything.

it’s hard to see it some days, and often i want to throw in the towel and quit, but i have so many people rooting for me, i have actual friendships, i laugh, i have a legitimate attention span, i am much closer to my family, i’m medically stable, i feel better physically in a lot of ways. i treat myself with more kindness. and hopefully, school will be easier when i return, i’ll be able to join more things and find more passions and be myself. i lose sight of this a lot, because i get so lost on how hard recovery is and how i don’t want to deal with things and how much i hate my body, but i suppose the fact of the matter is that things are much better now than they were 5 months ago, and i’m really grateful for that.

now onto WIAW of Tuesday’s eats… something else that’s improved greatly since entering recovery!

breakfast of champions! had with unpictured greek yogurt and banana chips (for lack of fresh bananas…)

post gym snack: vitatop muffin and an apple

lunch: strawberries and a buffalo chicken sandwich of WF honey wheat deli thin

packed snack for work

rainy days always make me crave my southern comfort… chili and cornbread

a little munch before bed: trail mix with almonds, cashews, peanuts, and reese’s pieces

the weather has left much to be desired lately, but hopefully it will clear up for my birthday weekend and getaway to my summer house! i can’t wait, as nervous as i am to be in a bathing suit. gonna have to fake it til i make it in the confidence department. my negative body image is certainly not going away any time in the near future, so i just need to work on letting it be instead of spinning my wheels trying to let it go. i’m really looking forward to seeing one of my best friends and her family though. and the most beautiful sunsets ever, so long as it isn’t raining anymore!

hope you all have beautiful days!

what are your memorial day weekend plans?
best thing you ate this week (so far)?

fewer words, more taste: WIAW

bouquet for myself i got for helping out with florals this weekend

i haven’t had the best week, so this week’s WIAW will only have captions instead of an actual description of my day. i haven’t been up to much lately anyway, besides reading all 3 hunger games books in the course of 3 days… the best part of eating this week has really been getting to stare at my beautiful flowers! i mean come on … coral roses?! does it get any better?!

“be delightful”

the nugget looking things are vegan spring rolls!

8 year olds get the best snacks

my favorite rainy day meal: chili

fresh fruit complemented dinner quite nicely

and the well earned grand finale, my favorite way to end a day:

i apologize for the lack of text in this post, but i haven’t really felt like blogging lately. plus, everyone knows that the point of WIAW is to gaze at the meals of others and inspire yourself for the future, right? at least for me… i hope you all had a lovely day!

are you a fan of getting flowers?
what’s your favorite kind of ice cream?

amends and WIAW!

it’s so exciting to be able to post on a WIAW! i really enjoyed doing this blog trend and seeing what others ate. in the fall it was so nice to feel like a part of something in the blog world, and i missed it when i stopped eating. fortunately, i’m finally able to return to it and post about the goodies i allow in my life again!

nice breakfast yogurt mess of puffins, PB envirokids, yogurt, and craisins

on the go snack this morning

went out for lunch with my friend- general gao’s chicken, veg lo mein, and a (virgin) strawberry daiquiri

the theme of today’s 30 day challenge post is a hard one to touch upon. day 4 asks me to examine the harm i have done to others. well that is immeasurable, that is ever so present and something i have to live with every day. people think eating disorders only harm the person who is sick, but that could not be farther from the truth. my eating disorder has touched the life of everyone who is in mine. it has torn my family apart, sending my mom into depression, keeping my sister rather isolated, almost causing my parents to separate. as for friends, it has shut so many of them out and push them away. it is not easy to watch someone who care about die in front of you, to be helpless as someone you love refuses to eat, becomes more and more silent, becomes a ghost in front of your very eyes. to my coworkers, it caused a silent strain, and then a burden when i vanished for two months. two my teachers, i was the girl who was so impressive at first, who left so suddenly. just as my presence hurt those i cared about, my absence caused a hole as well. even my therapist couldn’t take watching what was happening to me and refused to see me anymore until i got a higher level of care. that was one of the hardest losses of all to bear, and the one that probably pushed me the most. i’m so lucky she has stuck by me since then and has been the best support i could ask for.

nothing says rainy day like a latte and a good book!

it is difficult to make amends after putting such a taxing burden on the people i care so deeply about. it is hard to look at my life and see the trail of destruction i left, or rather that anorexia caused. each one of my relationships has been touched by this monster, and there is forever the question of “will it come back? is she really okay? can we breathe again?” lingering in the minds of all of us. to that, i can only hope the answer is that this is for real, that i won’t be sick again. i have apologized for the person i was when i was sick, for the unfair and cruel ways i have treated those who only wanted the best for me. and now, i am doing what i can to prove that i want to live, that i want life to the full and recovery in every moment. i am eating, i am loving, i am acting, i am living- and that is the best amends i can think to make. i don’t ever plan to stop, and i hope that eventually the strain will ease and we can all breathe again, knowing that rachel has returned and the eating disorder is gone, and life might be the way it was before ED stole it all away. i spent so much time sick thinking it was an apology, wanting to say nothing but sorry. i think now that it isn’t sorry i need to say, but rather, thank you.

my planned dinner for tonight: sweet potato craisin quinoa cakes, a veg chicken patty, yogurt, and a pear

sweet potato quinoa heaven

i have an absolute obsession with those quinoa cakes and highly recommend them to anyone who shops at whole foods. they have them in the prep foods section and the are to die for! my day so far, besides blogging and enjoying the fact that i can participate in WIAW has included a trip to the aquarium, and packing up my box for foodie penpals! it’s quite rainy out, so now i’m curled up with my book, enjoying my last day off this week.

sleep seals, so cute

got to hold a baby starfish

what was the best thing you ate (or will eat) today today?
do you like going to the aquarium?

an ode for the WIAW ahead

twas the day before midterms
when all through the house
by some miracle no one was stirring,
not even a mouse.

last night's library outfit, to be recycled today.

a busy day ahead,
and dreading work 4 to 10,
yet i still want to attend
the WIAW party by Jenn.

nana bread for breakfast
to help with my memory,
a study tool that’s
one hundred percent obligatory.

vegan nana bread

the real fuel for the day

just after noon,
i’ll stop for some eats,
whoever said good food
had to have meats?

my afternoon snack
was a colorful parfait,
might to waken me up
and brighten my day.

peach, red/green grapes, blueberries, strawberries all jumbled under some chobani

packed dinner for work,
then it’s the lib for the night,
hoping my tests will go well-
at least the end is in sight.

veg chili, cheese, mango, pretzels

hope everyone out there
has a wonderful day,
i guess i should study now
without further delay 😦

 

 

 

 

crazy busy WIAW and prayer requests

i feel like i’ve hardly had time to catch a break today, which is my least favorite way to spend the day. especially on WIAW, when all i want to do is create beautiful recipes to share with y’all! unforunately, that just couldn’t happen today. stupid midterms…always getting in the way of important things like sleep and blogging! and to think they’d do so on WIAW seems almost sinful. at any rate, welcome to my little corner of the party of Jenn‘s

so today in review: woke up, made a quick breakfast of 2 Van’s light waffles with agave nectar and banana slices alongside LightLife smart bacon. eat, digest, head out the door to the gym…

post gym i went to my friend’s house to help her mom make cookies for the cheering team to give to the football players. why i agreed to this is a bit beyond me, as i didn’t even go to their school and the task was certainly something the mom could have handled alone. oh well- i’m not usually one to say no to cooking/baking. it’s just so cathartic! plus, it was a nice study break.

post gym (fall colored!) snack- greek yogurt parfait with kashi cereal, canteloupe & honey dew + the cutest fall bowl ever!

obscure collection of unphotogenic lunch foods: mini pickles, grapes, veg burger with teriyaki sauce, roll. basically as unappetizing as it looks, but i wasn't home to make anything good 😦

baking ended up taking most of my day, so now i just prepped myself a nice dinner to pack up and bring with me to the library. of course i plated it first, but that’s totally besides the point. it wouldn’t be WIAW if i didn’t get to enjoy being a foodie and photographing my food with a lovely DSLR camera. plus, i’ve been craving “chicken” parm for months and it’s too good a meal to not put on a plate first!  i made it with Gardein tuscan chicken breasts, and have never ever been let down by this brand. as far as vegetarian alternatives go, while they might not be the cheapest, but the taste is SO worth it. i licked a bit of the sauce off my fingers while baking this and it was delicious, so i guess even if the fake meat disappoints, the sauce will make up for it.

paired with some unpictured wild rice and mango 🙂

now it’s off to finish my study guide and try to feel competent in the material, while trying not to freak out about how little sense most of it makes right now alf our readings were from ancient near east texts… none of which were comprehensible in english).

outfit inspired by mila kunis... and sheer laziness of not wanting to wear real clothes to the library. sorry for the grainy iphone quality + had to lighten the pic. my apartment is a bit of a cave when it comes to lighting for anything, esp pictures

quickly, i’d like to ask you to lift up some prayers:
1) for my friend’s dad, who had an major surgery on his lungs today. he recently was battling lung cancer, and while that has gotten better, his lungs still are hardly functioning, and this surgery was meant to help him breathe like he did 5 years ago- which would mean he could probably work again… or even just walk across the house.
2) for my other good friend’s mom  who had open heart surgery today. pray she makes a full recovery and for her family to be comforted throughout this stressful time.
3) for one of the 5 year old girls i worked this spring has leukemia, and yesterday they found out she has caught pneumonia. of course, the combination of any disease with cancer is dangerous and scary. last night her fever spiked, she went to the ER via ambulance, and is not doing much better today.her family just updated the care page to say she’s at the hospital now, and may get admitted. pray that the antibiotics help, the pneumonia goes away, and she’s able to start receiving chemo again soon, and that the whole family may be able to receive some rest tonight.
4)  for the parents and brother of two girls who went to my beach. the two girls in the family  (15 and 17) died six years ago tomorrow, and it has been an incredibly difficult journey for them in that unfathomable loss. pray that they have found some form of comfort and are able to get through the difficulties of tomorrow as best possible.

this post ended up being super lengthy- so thanks for reading it if you did! and thanks a million for any prayers/ positive support you can send up for the above people. i know it would mean the world, and i truly believe in the power of prayer/positivity in people’s lives!

did you have a yummy WIAW?
what’s your favorite mealt-alternative product?