a name change

i figured it was time for a title change. after all, this won’t necessarily be my food blog anymore, so the food related title was much less fitting. i just adore this quote, and use it on another blog.

be at peace, not in pieces

i think it’s a fairly accurate representation of my life, but also of where i hope to go from here. it holds true for everyone though. life is hard, but it is beautiful, and we are all sweetly broken. but just because we are broken, does not mean that we have to give up our peace to be in pieces. i’ve come a long way towards healing, and am even starting to love myself. i am a person i never thought i’d be- or perhaps, i see myself in a way i never thought i would. have i really changed, or have i just changed my perspective?

that question alone really speaks towards the quote. peace is a mentality as much as a physical existence, and one that we have to strive to bring to ourselves. at peace with food, at peace with myself, at peace with God, at peace with the people in my life. the effort to be happy is the same as the effort to be miserable. the effort to heal is the same as the effort to self-destruct.

finding rachel, becoming rachel, being rachel. it’s a bunch of overused phrases that are all hinting at the same thing, being at peace. and hoping to never again find myself in pieces.

i recently found this verse and thought i’d share it, because it’s just so amazing:

blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her! (Luke 1:45)

it’s like i was thinking about yesterday, how things have a tendency to work out. perhaps peace comes from being more in touch with God, and less focused on yourself, so that you can see the peace, rather than the pieces (just to overuse the phrase a bit more). He has done far more than fulfill His promises to me, and i am so overwhelmingly grateful for that! i truly believe that much more is yet to come, and i am doing my best to welcome it with open arms, without wondering why me. i know i need to be better about accepting gifts with gratitude rather than guilt, and that this is part of the process of being truly happy.

by the way- i had quite the time trying to figure out what i wanted my username to be. here’s the discussion i had with my best friend trying to figure it out:

ps, is it just me or is wordpress getting more confusing? i feel like i can never find what i want to find because the layout is all complex and things aren’t where i’m used to them being… all these advances and changes make me feel like i’m going senile. it’s almost impossible for me to navigate facebook anymore and i’ve had mine for 8 years…. frightening.

live more, blog more

i’m determined to get back on track with my blogging, but also to do it on a wider scope. i write so much as it is, why not connect with the blogosphere yet again. plus, it’s something i keep coming back to, even if i slack, i think with more concentrated effort i can get back on track. i really want to look into different networks and see what there is for me in the blog world, and i’d appreciate any and all suggestions on how to best do that! it made me so happy when i was really involved with my food blogging, doing WIAW and foodie penpals and such. it doesn’t take that much time to write a post, and i know i always feel good when i do, so i’m determined to devote part of my day to writing and reading blogs!

classes begin in one week, and there are quite a few things i hope to do in that time. my room desperately needs a cleaning, and i think my apartment could use some tidying up as well. decluttering is so uplifting and recharging, which is something i’m trying to focus on this january. i have so many things and i think they end up making me feel more overwhelmed and guilty than anything else. while i love my christmas goodies, i have closets brimming with clothes i don’t wear. drawers overflowing with memorabilia and journals and pictures. it’s time to organize and let go, to put things into some kind of accessible arrangement. i know i feel better when things are clean, it’s just a matter of putting in the effort!

my church is doing a bunch of “january jolt” classes, and i think that’s a great idea for this month as a whole. so many people set out with resolutions, and we all want that “jolt” for the start of the year. i want to take that literally, in trying to boost my energy. life in a northern town in the winter can be a bit depressing, with the short days, and bitter cold, and dead trees. it’s important to stay in good spirits, to not get dragged down with the weather. so again, i’m trying to encourage myself to be more active (let me be clear that this has NOTHING to do with wanting to lose weight!). 3 times a week, for 30 minutes. 20 minutes of outside walking every day. i know i feel better when i’m active, and i’ve been totally slacking lately. my body feels it too. so i’m going to try to commit to doing that and see how i feel!

there are so many ways that i hope to re-energize myself and my life with this new year. novelty. energy. activity. organization. de-clutter. and i hope that as i feel better in these ways, i’ll be happier as a whole.

and to spice up this rather boring, ineloquent post, here is a nice picture from my day:

anyone else out there looking for a “january jolt” to kick off their new year?

13 for 13

A New Year. A time of new hope, new possibility, rejuvenation and motivation. Cliche, but true. I’ve never been a new years eve person, but a fresh year always feels striking to me. I just can’t resist. For the past w years, I’ve made my number of resolutions try to match up with the year, so this year I’m up to 13! I thought I’d share, as I rather miss blogging and think I’ll try to start up again.

1. Be a better listener.
2. Watch my mouth: complaint and swear less, speak more positively about self and others, speak the kindest words I can, talk less about myself, overuse thanks and I love you, pray more
3. Treat my body well: sleep, be active, drinks lots of water (this one I really struggle with), eat clean (but keep eating!), relax, etc.
4. Read 40 books
5. Stay in first honors
6. Give more: tithing, volunteer/service, donations, words of encouragement, advice, time, etc.
7. Do a happiness project (which I will definitely be trying to blog about!)
8. Seek novelty: travel, try new foods, look at things with fresh perspectives, meet new people, learn as much as possible
9. Draw closer to God, learn to lean on Him more, keep faith, and be a light to others.
11. Balance and take time: to do things well, be organized, plan ahead, cook real meals, drive the speed limit, hang out with friends, write letters, clean apartment, etc. Remember it will all get done!
12.Do one good deed a day/ be kinder
13. Find and focus on the good in every person, setback, failure, moment, struggle, and day.

I think there are lots of other changes I’d like to see in myself that stem from these. Having a backbone and being independent, being slow to anger and quick to forgive, being more appreciative, exerting energy on the right people and things, for example.

2012 ended up being a truly wonderful year. I finally feel like I’ve found where I belong. I did so well in all my classes this semester (got a 4.0!!), joined activities, started another volunteer job, made friends, reconnected with old friends, built on my faith, and just generally became such a happier person. I’m heading into this semester with people finally believing I’ll actually be okay, and that means the world to me. I should be a senior, but this will be my second ever spring semester! Excited really doesn’t begin to cover it. I have a research position on campus, an internship with a nonprofit, will get to do grant writing, am taking interesting classes, and just feel like things are going to work out for me. It’ll be hard when most of my friends graduate in May, but at least I know that’ll motivate me to be more social during the semester.

I hope y’all are doing well, and would love to hear about your favorite moments from last year, as well as what you’re looking forward to in 2013, and what your resolutions are!

leaving on a jet plane

i can’t believe it’s finally july!! that means that my favorite holiday, the 4th of july is here (tomorrow), and then it’s finally time for my long awaited cruise! and at the end of those short 11 days, i will be back on my own, moved out and into my apartment. things i have been looking forward to for so long are finally here, and i must admit that it’s all a bit overwhelming, but also exhilarating. this is recovery, this is freedom, this is really living my life. and i am loving every second of it! it’s kinda perfect that the start of this increased level of freedom falls on the 4th of july…independence day. it’s really fitting. but then again, every day feels like independence day for me.

before i left, i thought i’d share my goals for july, as i slacked a bit on the june ones:

• have foods i’ve been avoiding (full fat muffin, chocolate croissant, potato/egg salad)
• eat more fresh fruits and veggies
• read 5+ books
• take lots of pictures
• try to be more social
• make a budget for the school year
• be crafty/ make apartment decor
• make someone smile every day

i don’t want to be too ambitious, or do anything i’ll feel bad about if i don’t achieve. SMART goals, and all that. i know that i’ll be able to accomplish all these, but they’re also rewarding on many levels. i am so excited to be back on my own, to be standing on my own two feet and moving forward again. part of the excitement is not even knowing where this life is taking me, but enjoying the journey in the day to day, the little things and big things alike, the way that it is all coming together so beautifully and my assurance that it will continue to weave together in God’s perfect way.

i am trying new foods, going to new places, learning new ways. five months ago yesterday i was admitted to residential treatment, full of ambivalence and dreading the future. now i am eager for it to come, yet happy in the individual moments. i feel like a whole new person, a better version of rachel; i feel like someone that the girl who checked into residential didn’t even believe could exist.

so bring it july, i am so happy you are finally here!

i hope you all have a wonderful 4th of july, if you live in america especially (if you don’t, have a wonderful WIAW!). God bless.

how are y’all celebrating the 4th of july?
what are you looking forward to this month?

snacks on snacks on snacks

it seems like lately my meals have had a snackier appearance, and my snacks have been more frequent. not sure how my nutritionist would feel about this, but i kinda like it. it helps me feel like i’m not being deprived, even though i worry that i’m exceeding the amount of calories i should be having in a day. then again, who’s counting? finally, not me!

Wednesday has finally crept up on me again and y’all know what that means…

YAY! these are yesterday’s eats. i’m finding it a bit easier to use Tuesday for WIAW, because then i feel like i can participate more on the creeping and sharing and getting inspired of wednesday 🙂

the fixin’s

breakfast was switched up again!! i can hardly believe it. i’ve been missing eggs lately, and definitely craving hot sauce, so i threw together a nice scramble of egg whites with all the fixins: guacamole, black beans, peppers, onions, and mexican cheese blend. i have to admit, it was a little scary. i’m usually one to calculate every calorie in my eggs, and it’s a meal i associate a fair amount with my eating disorder. but when i threw this together, nothing was measured, cheese was delightfully added, as was guacamole. food should taste good, and food should be enjoyed. and this breakfast was certainly a nice break from the ordinary!

switch up number two came with morning snack- mango! i haven’t had this fruit in forever, and i used to eat it every day, so i’m not really sure what’s been up with that. maybe the fresh berry season has just been too good a distraction. anyway, it was nice to reunite with my beloved. so tasty!

lunch was a bit of a snack fest with a friend. i recently discovered this AMAZING vegan queso at work, so we devoured that with pretzel chips. if you’re a vegan, and even if you aren’t, you MUST try this. it’s basically nutritional yeast and water- the whole jar is only 160 calories! i know, i know, who’s counting- but seriously. healthy “queso”? it’s too good to pass up!! like i said, i’ve been having rather “snacky” meals lately, and i know this isn’t entirely a large meal. fear not, we made those delicious pillsbury ready to bake cookies and ate those as well!

*this is not my picture, but i forgot to take one so i borrowed the image of the kind we used

after my work out i nommed on one of my guilty pleasure bars- the cookie dough balance bars. these things are really convincing for the whole cookie dough taste. not too filling, but still delicious. i’m never too hungry post working out, so it’s usually a bit of a struggle to eat. this definitely hits the spot then 🙂

i usually don’t have dinner with my family but my mom made enchiladas last night and i was home so i decided to join in on the fun. my mom’s a good cook, i just find family meals awkward and somewhat stressful, so i avoid them. that, or i’m working. these were really tasty though and i’m looking forward to the leftovers!

my last snack of the day brought me back to my beloved chobani. i’d never tried this flavor and was pleasantly surprised by it! kinda tasted like fall, which was nice.

so many switch ups in one day- but definitely delicious! i totally struggle with the whole variety thing, so i’m going to try to improve that. it makes food more enjoyable, and that’s what i need right now. i haven’t felt like cooking much lately either, which means the bulk of my food is a la whole foods prepped foods department, parfaits, or something frozen. convenience, convenience… the enemy of variety. i guess i just need to get motivated again, but it’s hard! i know that variety is one of the major components of healthy eating and recovery, so it’s something i’ll have to keep striving towards. i’ve been doing a bit better with it lately, and certainly better about challenging myself, so i’m confident i’ll be able to keep it up and keep moving forward.

how do you add variety to your days when you don’t feel like putting in effort?
having any easy and delicious meal suggestions?

monday goals- week 2

wow the past week seems to have flown by! it’s amazing how quickly time passes when you’re being social, working, and constantly lost in a book. mostly the last one i think 😉

anyway, here’s my review of last week’s goals, and some updates on the bigger ones that have been going well:

• do laundry – DONE
• update bucket list – no, unfortunately
• finish my current book- yup!

i have also been working on my body acceptance goal, and just started reading a book called “Weight Wisdom,” which a wonderful friend sent me, that’s actually surprisingly good. i’m not a huge fan of recovery books generally, but i’m liking this one a lot!

so this week’s goals:

• journal everyday
• buy comforter for apartment (i’m leaning towards a lovely patchwork lilly pulitzer one)
• apartment hunt with one of my roomies to be
• read!
• spend some time outdoors
• try to run at least 3 days
• set up an appointment with my nutritionist (who i’ve been avoiding…)

not too much on the agenda this week, so i think it’ll be good for some quality rachel time (and goal reaching!). i’m feeling really refreshed after this past weekend, ready to keep challenging myself and feeling better and better with each passing day. in only three weeks i’ll be in europe, and i want it to be absolutely incredible! and two weeks from now i’ll be down on martha’s vineyard, which will also be fun. i’m slowly starting to realize that the good thing about being healthy is really everything, that this body is better than i give it credit for being, that things tend to work out more often than not.

slowly, i’m becoming more optimistic again, i’m looking forward to the fall, but i am staying in the moment. i am becoming reassured that things really will be okay.

also in this week’s to do- my two new journals!

what are your goals for this week?

go for the goals

i was reading Tayla’s blog and found a link to Jenny’s post about goals and her awesome link party for June and goals and things that i need in my life.

Goals for this week:

• do laundry
• update bucket list
• finish my current book

Goals for this month:

• figure out details for my apartment
• work out every day
• read at least 3 books
• try a new recipe
• get ready for my cruise!
• work on body acceptance and challenging negative body image

Summer goals:

• not give up on recovery
• continue making progress in therapy
• sign a lease for an apartment for next year
• enjoy Europe
• try new foods/ challenge fear foods
• run a 5k

i’m a huge fan of goals and of motivation. they’re what keep me going. they’re the little carrots that keep me moving forward…

but seriously. every day i want to skip out on eating, but i remind myself that i’m only allowed to go abroad because i’m doing “well” and i have to be well to go. also, i don’t want to miss out on all the fun i could have in europe simply because i’m so stressed out over my body or needing to exercise or calories or food. it’s having bits of motivation that keep me pursuing recovery in the first place. finally, i can connect all that i would lose with my eating disorder and make the right choice to keep doing what i have to do. even though ED is screaming at me, i’m desperately trying to tell myself to focus on my goals instead.

i found out my weight yesterday and would be lying if i said i wasn’t devastated. it seems like every time i see my weight, it’s higher than the time before. it’s a terrifying feeling. of course, it didn’t matter that yesterday’s weight was taken post eating. it didn’t account for fluctuations or anything. but it’s hard when i had to gain so much weight in residential, to then have gained MORE when i was out. in fact, it was infuriating. even as i sit here typing this, i’m tearing up. it’s scary because i feel like i will never stop gaining weight, that my body will never adjust to food, that it just can’t be left to it’s own devices. i feel like my team is not telling me things and just allowing me to get fat.

and now i pause and let rational rachel enter the picture. my team is looking out for me. i feel healthy, so what does the number on the scale really mean? it isn’t fair for me to be mad at my team about my weight. it isn’t fair that i’m taking out my poor body image on other people, or the fact that i’m even letting it get to me. being in my body is Hell right now. looking at pictures of myself makes me cry, makes me want to run with arms wide open back to my eating disorder. but then i remember my goals. and the fact that i’m moderately happy when i’m not dwelling on my body image, or when i’m ignorant to my weight. it’s just a number, it isn’t who i am. it’s almost impossible to remember that at times, and i’m sure i will cry about it again tonight to my therapist, but i’m not going to let it tear me apart. i have reasons to hang on to recovery, i have things i want more than i want to be thin.

being thin is not important important than being happy.
a number on a scale just means that i am just human, that i am present here.
the only place restricting gets me is closer to the grave.

these are my mantras, and these are my goals, and with them in hand i am fighting against my eating disorder and i am determined to win.

Birthday Resolutions

The long awaited day is here- i’m finally 21! Another year has somehow passed, and here i am. So much has happened, but i’m hoping it will all work out. I was thinking about my new years resolutions and how many of them were fueled by my eating disorder, so i’ve decided to count my birthday as new years round two and come up with a whole new set of resolutions! So, here it is:

– stay in recovery
– make a conscious effort to be more active
– drink more water
– try new things
– embrace mistakes
– accept imperfection
– be a better friend
– put myself out there more
– send more snail mail
– find reasons to smile each moment
– finish an entire academic year without interruption
– balance work, volunteering, school, appointments, and play
-join clubs at school in an attempt to find things i enjoy and actually make friends
– be happy.

It’s long and at points ambiguous, but at least it’s something to work towards. And more than anything, i’m coming to learn than when you’re not sure what you want, it’s best to do something rather than nothing. so here’s to being a more legal adult and the start of a hopefully bright, healthy, happy new year!

do you like birthdays?
Are you a fan of resolutions?

days go by

hey all! it’s been a few days since i’ve done any posts from my recovery challenge, so i thought i’d pick right back up with day 10 beacuse it’s one that’s near and dear to my heart, especially since the past week or so hasn’t been the best for me. but there’s no time like the present, and i’m determined to get back on track! so without further ado:

day 10: List 5 goals you have for yourself, short-term or long-term.

i think this might be better to do with 5 of each, because i know i have a lot of goals, and it’s these goals that are going to help get me back on track. it’s ever so easy to restrict, to cut out a few exchanges here and there and pretend like it’s fine. my therapist was telling me the other day what a slippery slope that was, and how badly i need to get back to doing 100%. i guess i’ve just had so much on my mind that i’m trying to accept and process and deal with, that i’ve turned to my eating disorder to numb it all out- when it’s really having the eating disorder under control that’s even allowed me to begin to deal with things after all these years!

short term goals:

1. find an apartment for school
2. graduate college without taking any more time off
3. follow meal plan without using any behaviors
4. knock at least 10 books off my to-read list
5. earn/save money

long term goals:

1. RECOVER! i know this is a big one but hey, it’s gonna be a long haul. i believe in myself and my ability though, and i know that i’ll somehow, someday make it happen
2. have a family and my own home
3. live a joyful life
4. inspire help others- through my actions, faith, career, etc
5. be at peace with my self and body and have a positive relationship with both

i think it’s so important to have goals, otherwise recovery seems impossible and a bit pointless. so often i get frustrated that things aren’t more different and i fall into the “oh what’s the point, nothing’s really changing, it’ll always be like this” mentality. i know it isn’t true though. i can look around my life and see a million ways things are better off than they were when i was sick. for example, i can get out of bed. i can stand up without fainting. i can have a conversation. i can walk up a flight of steps without clutching the railing. these seem like such little things, but they are ones that i took for granted. they’re things i forgot were normal when i was sick. it’s wonderful having a head that isn’t always aching, hands that are steady instead of shaking, and the ability to focus all the way through a conversation. having an eating disorder does not just change the shape of your body- it wraps its way into every aspect of your life and changes it all so you forget what it truly means to live, to be alive, to want either of those things.

still, recovery feels impossible right now. i can’t believe that things are going to get better than they are, and maybe how they are is (for the most part) good enough. i feel like my mind is on over drive, and my body image is awful. pushing forward means exacerbating these things, and not using my familiar coping mechanisms to make me feel any better. that basically translates into recovery feels like crap! but i live for the moments when i’m able to have an extra snack, or try a sample at work, or get a latte instead of a black coffee. recovery is a long term goal, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t every day triumphs. it’s these things that i have to focus on, and remind myself that 10 years of illness aren’t going to go away in four months, as much as i wish they could have. i need to learn ways to take a break without using my eating disorder, and i’m a bit short on effective ways. i do have books though, so at least i’ve been getting a lot of reading done lately!

my birthday is in 11 days and i’m heading up to my beach house, which should be fun, but is also terrifying. i just put on a significant amount of weight, and even though it was necessary, being in my body is a hard place to be right now. i am so self conscious, and i can hardly imagine wearing a bathing suit out in public. i’ve been pulling out all the skills i can, and reminding myself that people like me for more than my body, that the size of my thighs or the way my stomach looks is not going to make or break anything for me. i suppose there’s always “fake it til you make it” too! it means a lot to me to be able to spend my birthday at my beach house like i do every year, with people who i’ve known my whole life and absolutely adore. i don’t want ED to steal another one away from me, i don’t want him to make me miserable on my special day. and most of all, i want to have my cake and eat it too, and then spend the day in a bathing suit without crying!

right after my birthday last year, visiting a friend in Texas

what’s your favorite way to distract your mind when it won’t shut off?
what are some of your goals?

a eulogy of sorts

day five: how do you want to be remembered?

hmm well first off, i suppose i’d just like to be remembered in general! i have such a fear of going through my whole life and it not mattering to anyone, and i hope will every part of me that that isn’t true, that there will be people who can’t imagine their lives without having had me in it (as selfish as that is), and remember me when i’m gone. i have been asked this question before, often in the form of ” imagine someone speaking at your funeral or 80th birthday party, reflecting on your life and the person that you were. what would you want to be said about you, what do you want your legacy to be?” i love this question, i love thinking about this, and i love the motivation it gives me, to be who i can be instead of living a life of “she could’ve been,” to be more than my eating disorder.

i imagine hearing the words “she lived each day to the fullest, she never denied someone help or a smile or a word of encouragement, she was hopelessly optimistic” being spoken about me. i would love to graduate college, to go on to some career that involved helping kids with cancer. i’d love to use my playful personality traits to do play therapy with kids in hospitals. i wholeheartedly believe in service, and that’s something about myself that i hope is remembered. i don’t want the end of my life to be sad, but rather the kind of thing that makes people think “we could have said goodbye any day and it wouldn’t have mattered, she lived each day as if it were her last, she made every moment count- for herself and for those around her.”

lately, i’ve been pretty lost in what my life could’ve been, if i weren’t anorexic, if i hadn’t left vanderbilt, if all the bad things that have happened hadn’t turned out how they had. who could i have been? where would i be? when i’m remembered, i don’t want any of that to matter. i don’t want them to remember me as the one who gave up vanderbilt, the one who suffered from an eating disorder, the victim. i want to be the survivor, the one who fought and conquered and aided others through their battles. i want to be the hero of my story, not the one who is rescued. it’s hard for me to imagine this right now, with so many people talking about who i used to be and who i am now and shaking their heads in pity. but i swear that someday i will be better, stronger, healthier, and more myself. and i won’t be defined by what i do or do not do, but rather by the person that my life has created me to be, the one i know i have had in me all along. i don’t want to be defined by or remembered by my choices, especially the ones that are so hard to live with. i don’t want there to be any doubt about who i could be- i want to be that person.

i want to be remembered for my faith, for all that church means to me and for the way it has changed my life. i want to be remembered as a loyal, trusting, faithful, Christian- and i want to serve in my church as well, even more than i do now. i’d like to go on a mission trip eventually, maybe multiple, and would like to be remembered as someone who shared and inspired faith and hope in others.

i want to have a family, to be a best friend, to be honest and loyal and compassionate. i want to be funny, i want to make people smile. i want to be remembered as a good person, sister, daughter, wife, mother, friend. i really want to be remembered just for being myself, and for that being more than good enough. what more is there to really want in life, than the privilege of being yourself and being loved and loving others? i can’t think of any.

(note to self: there is not one word in here about your appearance- no one cares if you’re fat or thin or anything at all that you place so much value on. they will remember you for being you, don’t stress so much over the size of your jeans or a number on a scale… it doesn’t even really matter to you when you have to think about it!)

if you had to pick 5 words to be remembered as, what would they be?